20230513

자자자 역시 나의 SNS rabbit hole 탐험/탐정놀이는 슬픈 결말에 이르렀다.

같은날 같은장소에서(하나는 상업공간, 하나는 집?!??? 누구집이야? 같이 살아?????) 같은포즈로 찍은 사진을 두세트 발견했다..... 

조금만 슬퍼하고 아쉬워 할께

언제나 알고는 있었지만, 그래서 더 달콤했고

그래서 이게 얼마나 짧은 기간동안 지속될지 모르니 그 시간동안만큼은 정말 꼭 붙잡고 싶었는데

(그래도 이정도면 나 꽤 열심히 한걸까?)

일시적으로 동기부여가 떨어진 걸까 아니면 정말 어떤 깨달음, disillusionment, realization에 이른걸까 

후자라는 느낌이 진하게 들어서 이렇게 실망스럽고 슬픈것 같긴 하지만 

돈을 발라서(!) 이 관계를 지속한다면

그거야말로 건강하지 못한 상태로 시간만 질질 끌게 될까, 그래서 서로 지긋지긋하게 증오하게 되어 버릴까 (이미 그에게 나는 징한 사람이 되었을것 같아서 맨날 걱정하면서..)

M의 말마따나 (그리고 인터넷 게시판들의 조언에 따라ㅋㅋ) 한번 자고 끝내?ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 아냐아냐 뒷감당못해 그러면 나 진짜 얼굴들고 그 공간에 다시 못다닐거같다 근데 나 이 공간 못 잃어ㅎㅎㅎ

휴 암튼 정말 재미있었는데. 이젠 도대체 어디에 재미 붙이고 살아야 하나!!!!!

끈적한 춤 추는 동호회라도 나갈까. 테니스? 펜싱?

아니근데 달리기 자전거 등 운동 동호회는 너무 진심인 애들이 많아서.. 작업걸었다가는 강퇴당하는 분위기인데다가 이제는 어딜 가도 너무 늙은 나이라 어딜 가도 끼어있기 부자연스럽다 슈발ㅠㅠ 

/ 지긋지긋하게 외로운 시간들을, 너를 연료 삼아 낮은포복으로 꿋꿋하게 건너와서

여전히 똑같이 외로운 오늘날에 이르렀지만

아무튼 그때 네가 있었기에 그때 죽어버리지 않을 수 있었어

네가 물었지, 왜 이렇게 열심이냐고

간단해, "죽기 싫어서"

외롭고 지겹다고 죽어버리는 건 정말 약해빠진거 같아서

이악물고 버텨

그때그때 잠깐씩 나의 목숨을 부지해 줄 것들을 찾아서 끌어모으면서

잠깐씩만이라도 나를 불타오르게 하는 것들

불나방처럼

그때뿐이지만

20221012

So uh... today my [physical] therapist asked me 'personal questions' for the first time

오늘은 기분이 아주 좋은 편이었던 듯 - usually he doesn't make small talk because he knows I prefer to just relax and not talk during my treatment. But today he was really chatty!

Opening with... 마스크 너무 깜찍한거 아니에요? (and no one had commented on my 마스크 today😢 even though my 마스크 usually is a conversation starter..! #greenbliss #동백꽃마스크 Although that was probably because I was buried with work all day and didn't hang out with anyone except my team)

can't even remember why this came up, but 몇년생이세요?

and he was truly genuinely shocked when he heard my answerㅎㅎㅎ

와... 엄청난 동안이시네요 책가방메면 완전 학생인데요 don't you get carded when you go drinking 

이마가 백만불짜리에요 (first time I've ever heard this from a man. how...why..... is he gay or does he just have too many sisters..... Anyway, so you've been looking at my face this whole time huh? 😏)

and I don't remember which topic came up first but 무슨 전공 하셨어요? (and man did I contemplate whether or not to tell him I studied law! yeah I ended up telling him I majored in international studies, basically 'diplomacy' in non-DIS-speak..) yeah why did this come up at all?

It felt good! I just really like feeling like I'm being taken care of, so every time I go for treatment I come back in a good mood, but today it felt good also because it felt like... he is genuinely curious about me, with no ulterior motive. and of course it felt good to know that it was mutual! Now that I think about it, I think he was wondering about all these things all along but for some reason today he had the urge to (or found the courage to? or just because I was responding to him being chatty, which is usually not the case?) ask all these questions.

So yeah, I should try to 'graduate' from physical therapy because my back pain has reduced substantially now and honestly it's costing me so much money (yeah gotta remember to ask about insurance $$$ with the receptionist), BUT....

I don't want to!!!!! Because I don't want to part with my therapist! T^T Just the thought that I won't see my therapist again makes me so sad 😭😭😭😭😭

Could we be friends? Do people become friend with their physical therapists? Is that healthy? Even if we do become friends, what's the use if I stop going to get treatment -- I mean, it's not like we're going to exchange numbers or anything like....that..........

Why haven't I even considered the possibility that he could be gay until now?!? Funny how one reveals so much about oneself while asking questions about the other...

.... and after all this, I realize: I NEED TO HAVE REAL FRIENDS IN REAL LIFE. GOD AM I LONELY. and then I feel like my life is pathetic.

................. Okay maybe it's time to move to a new blog, because I know a handful of people know who is writing this blog (although I doubt they remember) and stuff like this is a bit... embarrassing to disclose, even to that particular handful of people.....

And high hope for tomorrow that I can leave work before 7pm!!!!! and let the weekend begin!!!!!

Ah right and I need to change next week's appointment bc 청첩모임!

Chronic back pain: Scoliosis, flat back, and flat neck!

..... so I've been getting physical therapy (manual therapy + some electrical??? stuff) every week for over two months now... 

And I keep thinking -- has anyone known my body more than my physical therapist?!

This is a type of / level of intimacy that I did NOT expect or anticipate when I started getting treatment...

20210911

1. Sometimes it feels like I'm wading through life knee deep in water. It would be perhaps more accurate to say that I've always been wading through knee-deep water and there are moments when I realize it.

2. 배움의 기회를 박탈당한 채 자라난 것들이, 생각보다 많은 것 같다.

https://youtu.be/vWkKL-2kejc

3. mbti test 를 해 보면 10대~20대 초반까지는 꾸준히 INTP가 나왔다가, 20대 중반부터는 INFP가 나왔었다. 며칠 전에 또 해봤더니 다시 INTP가 나왔다. 그런데 설명을 읽어보니... (https://www.16personalities.com/intp-strengths-and-weaknesses, https://www.16personalities.com/intp-relationships-dating)

이건 '성향/성격'이라고 볼 수 있는걸까? Disorder/disability 가 아니고??? 자폐 특성하고 겹치는게 너무 많은데?!???

4. 굳이 가르치지 않아도, 유전적으로 내려오는 것들과, 자라면서 흡수한 것들이, 무방비로 나에게 덕지덕지 달라붙어 버린 수많은 것들이 이제 나의 일부라는게, 너무나 두렵다. (................. Back to #2.) 그런것들의 많은 부분이 '자폐'이고 인간사회에서 살아가기 힘들게 만드는 것들이라고 생각하니 세상 억울하고 절망하게 된다. 내가 애를 가져서는 안된다고 생각하는 이유이기도 하다. 가르치지 않아도, 심지어 반대 방향으로 가르치더라도, 벗어날 수 없는 저주를 가지고 태어난 아이는 무슨 죄며, 나랑 비스무리한 인간이 이 세상에 하나 더 있다고 생각하면... 생각만 해도 끔찍해!

5. I feel like I've been doomed to a lifetime of battling who I am -- my own traits, the environment I grew up in, the circumstances I currently am in.

'나의 작은 능력으로라도 누군가를 도울 수 있다면...' 이라니 ㅎㅎㅎ 내 능력으로는 나 자신조차도 돕지 못하는데. 일단 나부터 좀 살자.

But surely there must be something that I can make use of?!