graduation

I'm not ready for this.

What have I gained through my four years in college?
- shallow knowledge & understanding
- new confidence and new doubts
- 'human network'... well, just barely..
- some insights about the world: its cruelties and its beauty
- friends...

And what impact did I have, on the people that I met?
I hope people changed -for the better- as they got to know me.
What do they think of me, and what will they remember me by?

Will people come to the graduation ceremony to congratulate me?

Honestly, that's the thought that worries me.
I'm afraid I'll be celebrating with my family, and not my friends.
My closest friends (except the one or two who are graduating on the same day) won't be there, either because they will be working, or because they are not graduating this semester.
My hoobaes won't be there, because the ceremony is boring and thus it won't be worth their time (unless they are obligated to come because they're in the student council).
I just hope, at the least, that all my favorite professors will be there so I can take my final photographs with them..

고등학교 졸업식 때는 I was just glad I was leaving that 지긋지긋한 place.
I was ready (even months before graduation) to leave that embarassing period of my life and move on to being a 폼나는 대학생.

Now?
I have nothing 'bling' to move on to..
I am moving on to perahaps the most volatile and uncertain period of my life, and I am not so excited about it.

In theory, I should study my ass off (AND work my ass off at the same time, to make money.. but that comes only second in priority) so I can be a 폼나는 student again.
But the temptation to stay where I am and get used to this 직딩 life is so strong.. Even though I know that's not going to get me anywhere, and that the job I have now was INTENDED to be a stepping stone to a 'real' job.

It all comes down to one question:

HOW BAD DO I WANT IT?

I ask myself every day and answer, with no confidence in my voice.

I don't think I've ever left a place with so little hope and anticipation for the place I will be moving to. I was almost always excited about 'moving on'.
This time I'm not so excited. I am rather afraid.
I wish this period of my life will go away ASAP and that a shining new act will open on stage.
I know what I have to do (partially..) to make that happen: I have to throw in my 100%.
But I'm not so sure whether I can or even want to do that.

또 이렇게 나약한 소리만 해 대고 있다,
2001년부터 그래왔던 것 처럼...