[TED] Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

Okay my blog is turning into a Pinterest  board for TED Talks... but this one will be the last for today.

http://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

13' 59" ~
Desire comes with a kind of selfishness
The ability to stay connected to oneself in the presence of another
We are born with a need for connection and a need for separateness; for security and adventure; a need for togetherness and for autonomy.

At some point, we all must leave our parents' laps and go off into the world to explore. But that child will sometimes look at the parent. If the parent says "Hey kiddo, there are so many fun things out there, go and explore." then the kid will go back out and explore some more, knowing that somebody will be there for them when they come back.

On the other hand,
if the parent says "I'm worried; I'm anxious; I'm depressed; what's so good out there? Don't we have everything you need, together you and I?"
Then some of us will come back, that child will forgo a part of himself in order not to lose the other. "I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection. And I will learn to love in a certain way that will become burdened with extra worry and extra responsibility and extra protection, and I won't know how to leave you in order to go play, to experience pleasure, to enter inside my self."