I woke up in just about enough time to get to my 9:05am class, but just didn't want to get up and go.. I knew I should get up to at least go to my second class, but somehow skipped that class too. Finally decided to get out of bed after noon, my fencing class is at 1:20pm. Torn between having a proper lunch and rushing to fencing class... Took some time to decide to warm the pizza in the microwave, pack it, and catch the 1pm bus. Got out of the house at 1:01 pm, was waiting at the crossing when two buses in a row passed by, across the street. Saw the 31 bus go to the bus stop in front of my house -- should have stayed there in the first place -- and missed that one, too. Came back into the house, reheated the pizza, ate it while watching Pretty Little Liars. Been watching PLT all day, I feel dizzy now because I've been staring at my screen the entire day. For about 10 hours straight. Ok, I did have a break: I went to get some groceries at the supermarket downtown. And finally cashed those checks. (Which reminds me, I need to ask my parents for money again before it's time to pay rent. Again.)
I am almost about the graduate from law school. I still go to class unprepared. I am still late for class. I've habitually missed classes even when I have no good reason to. I am still not able to raise my hand in class to answer or to ask a question. I still haven't said a word in a seminar/discussion class. YJ is an article editor on a journal, has improved her grades immensely, and makes a point of saying something in class at least once every session.
Patrick asked me in the cab -- Do you feel defeated?
I told him, with my teeth clenched, Not yet,
but honestly I wanted to say: Yes, I have been feeling defeated for a long time now.
And even worse, somewhere along the way I've already given up.
I am almost 30 and have never dated, let alone kissed, or even held hands with (okay well ... that time with KM doesn't count. It was a weird situation, not a romantic one), a guy (or girl or whatever..).
Why is that so hard for me?
Why do I refuse to be connected to anyone in my life?
Why are some things that happen so naturally for other people so hard for me?
Yes Patrick I feel so damn defeated.
Not only in my studies and my career (okay to be fair, it hasn't even started yet), but also in relationships: I have none.
I guess the reason why God has kept me alive for so long is that he hopes, he wants, me to learn.
To love and be loved.
To finally accept the love that I don't deserve.
But when? How?
Even if someone shows me love, will I be ready to accept it?
Will I ever be brave enough to let someone into my life?
This undeserving sinner has been kept alive for another sorry day.
I'm sorry.
I am almost about the graduate from law school. I still go to class unprepared. I am still late for class. I've habitually missed classes even when I have no good reason to. I am still not able to raise my hand in class to answer or to ask a question. I still haven't said a word in a seminar/discussion class. YJ is an article editor on a journal, has improved her grades immensely, and makes a point of saying something in class at least once every session.
Patrick asked me in the cab -- Do you feel defeated?
I told him, with my teeth clenched, Not yet,
but honestly I wanted to say: Yes, I have been feeling defeated for a long time now.
And even worse, somewhere along the way I've already given up.
I am almost 30 and have never dated, let alone kissed, or even held hands with (okay well ... that time with KM doesn't count. It was a weird situation, not a romantic one), a guy (or girl or whatever..).
Why is that so hard for me?
Why do I refuse to be connected to anyone in my life?
Why are some things that happen so naturally for other people so hard for me?
Yes Patrick I feel so damn defeated.
Not only in my studies and my career (okay to be fair, it hasn't even started yet), but also in relationships: I have none.
I guess the reason why God has kept me alive for so long is that he hopes, he wants, me to learn.
To love and be loved.
To finally accept the love that I don't deserve.
But when? How?
Even if someone shows me love, will I be ready to accept it?
Will I ever be brave enough to let someone into my life?
This undeserving sinner has been kept alive for another sorry day.
I'm sorry.
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