now what?

I just checked my scores.

.............................................


Now what?
Should I just let it go?
or should I start rushing to meet the deadlines (CAN i?)


Had the first interview today. I think I can make it. I hope I can make it.
(Although secretly I'm hoping to get the 'real' job that PAYS better!)
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Now I officially hate it.
I hate those pictures of her plastered all over your blog.
I know I was never as pretty as her (and probably never will be)
but I feel like,
you're underappreciating me.
And it wasn't always like this.
You appreciated it when I spent time with you after your last breakup.
You appreciated that I didn't ask any nosy questions.
You appreciated me when I listened to you talk about 'that new girl' and wished you good luck.
But now things are different.

I know it just makes sense,
I can't always be with you and we ARE an ocean apart
and our lives have grown apart
so all this is just natural,
I know I'm the loser and I'm just pouting like a kid,

But

wasn't there a time when I was special to you?
I feel like I'm not special to you anymore.

Whereas
you are just as special to me as eight years ago.
Perhaps even more special.

And now I hate myself for trashing that one chance you offered me.
I regret my own small-mindedness and stupidity.

I'm STUCK -- stuck in the past, on that day I manipulated you then turned away from you.
And I haven't really been able to move on from then.
Aren't I an IDIOT.