5.18 reflection

공부한답시고 다른 일은 하나도 안하면서
공부조차 열심히 안하는

내 말이,
내 행동이

도대체 무슨 가치가 있으며
누구에게 신뢰받을 수 있을까,

하는 무시무시한 생각이 든다.


나는 매일매일 내가 deserve하지 않는 신뢰와 관심과 기대를 받으며 살고 있다.


(도둑년.)

2am

도대체 내가 뭘 공부하고 있는건지
공부를 하고 있기는 한건지

문득 이런 생각이 들 때도 있어

뭐냐고 이게 도대체

!!!!!

그럼 난 도대체 뭘 하고 하루하루를 보내는 걸까?
먹고 마시고 버스에서 잠자고
집에 와서는 패닉해서 공부하는 척 좀 하다가
얼렁뚱땅 2시쯤 되면 졸려서 자고
점심때쯤 침대에서 굴러나와서 겨우겨우 학교 가고
그것도 수업시간도 못지키면서..

그리고 똑같은 짓 매일 반복.

이러려고 대학원 등록한거야?

제일 편하고 쉬우니까? 적당히 뽀대도 나 보이고?

이러려고 한학기에 6백만원씩 부모님 돈 뺏어다 쓰는거야?

누가 따귀라도 때려줬으면,

그래서라도 정신을 차리리 수 있다면 좋겠는데

그래봤자 기분만 더럽고 난 반성하지 않을거고 행동도 변하지 않을거라는 걸 알기 때문에

더더욱 지쳐버리는 새벽,

정신좀 차리자

제발좀

"8 minutes - A ballerina's dream"

Yes, I know what that feels like.
To stand there, (or, actually, SIT there, in my case) not moving a muscle...

mourning the death of a cat

This morning I was heading out from my house to the bus stop to go to school.

It rained yesterday, so it wasn't so hot and the morning breeze + warm sunshine combo was more than enough of a reward for getting up at 7am. And I was extra happy because I knew I was going to get to class before it starts, which is something I've been failing to do for my Friday morning classes for the past several weeks.

And then, when I got to the crossroad I spotted something horrible.. a dead cat, obviously hit by a car, its stomach cut open and its intestines mashed across the road. The pool of blood around the carcass had already almost dried up. The accident must have happened in the wee hours of morning, perhaps before the sun rose. It was a black cat. Maybe it had a white patch on the side I couldn't see. The cat had probably not seen the car approaching because it was moving so fast, and likewise the driver probably didn't see the cat until after the accident (assuming he/she looked back to check what had happened) for the same reason. The poor cat probably didn't even have the time to turn back, flex, or whatever that could have prevented this horrible sight.

I was shocked and disgusted. And I didn't know what to do. Should I call the police? Should I call 119? I should probably call the road maintenance department at the city hall, but how the heck would I find their number, and nobody would have been at the office at that hour.

Luckily enough, there was a 환경미화원 아줌마 (lady who sweeps the roads) nearby. She walked out to the road and swept up the dead cat into her dustpan with her broom. The cat's hind legs, and a part of the cat's intestines drooped out of the dustpan. I closed my eyes tight. I couldn't look at this anymore. The lady walked away, and I crossed the road, trying hard not to look at where the cat had been lying. But as I was getting on the bus, I had to look at the site once again. The blood smeared across the asphalt was the only evidence remaining of that horrible accident.

I normally fall asleep within ten minutes after I get on a bus, if the ride is more than 20 minutes long. But I was still in shock, and was in no mood to eat the breakfast that I had the leisure (for the first time in many weeks) to prepare. As the shock slowly started to subside, I became really sad and depressed. And then a little bit angry.

Why the hell were you trying to cross the street, you stupid cat?

Did this cat originally live in our apartment complex, or the one across the street?

Had I perhaps seen this cat before, rummaging through the trash or playing in the garden?

I hope that cat wasn't involved in some cheap drama (stories like, it was trying to bring food to its kittens on the other side of the road and such)...

And why did this particular driver have to drive so fast, at dawn?

Where was this person in such a hurry to get to?

Did the driver even realize he/she hit an animal? Maybe only after s/he had seen the blood and hair on the tires?

And then I realized that the only thing I could do to calm myself down and to 'get on with my life' today was to persuade myself that this accident wasn't anybody's fault.

The driver probably had some good reason to be speeding, and probably never saw the cat until it was right in front of one of the tires, and consequently didn't have the time to swerve or what slow down or whatnot. The cat was just doing what cats do, normal cat business, going here and there in the dark, and probably never saw the car. So nobody was at fault for this accident. It was an accident, and nothing could have been done to prevent it. Most importantly, I could not have done anything to prevent it.

Other than this incident, I had a really lovely day. I made it to class on time, had lunch with a couple friends, attended a conference and listened to PhD students presenting their papers, studied in the reading room, walked up and down the hill inside school (the view on the top of the hills is really something), had a wonderful dinner and dessert with another couple of friends. But throughout the whole day I had to stop myself from sending a text message or telling someone about what I saw in the morning. Who would care? It wouldn't have anything to do with them, and they would think I was overreacting. I'm not even particularly known as an animal lover. And if I tried to describe how disgusting and gruesome it was (in an attempt to explain how shocked and upset I was, and thus justify my sudden demand of 'comfort'), it would make the listener lose her appetite.

So I ended up keeping this to myself the whole day, and it still haunts me. I had to talk about it somewhere, to anyone. So I'm writing it here.

Post-script (5/9): My mind keeps running the scene over and over in my head. I want this to stop. I know I couldn't have done anything to make anything better. I want this to stop influencing me. I know it will, soon enough, and I keep telling myself that I don't have to feel guilty about that. I guess I'll just have to stick it out until other things preoccupy me.

Jal & Chris (Skins Season 2)

Jal makes Chris promise to stop saying "Fuck it!" and Chris makes Jal promise that she'll start saying "Yes."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbAlDpecti4

"Play the game, Chris."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Xa6Q_i0Ug