수요예배

백만년만에 가보는 수요예배

원래는 그 누구의 눈길도 신경쓰지 않고 실컷 찬양 부르고 싶어서 가려고 한 거였는데

퇴근 늦게 하는 바람에 밥먹고 가니까 찬양시간 거의 다 잘라먹음ㅠㅠ

그래도 남아서 기도하는 시간이 있어서 좋았음.

처음엔 그냥

하나님.. 계시죠?

저 여기 있어요...

지금 여기 저랑 함께 계신 것 맞죠?

오늘 이 시간에 이 곳에 있게 해 주셔서 감사합니다.

이렇게 시작했는데 결국

근데요

실은요

좀 힘드네요...

실은요

많이 아프고 힘들고 그러네요 하나님..

이러다 끄윽끄윽 울기 시작함ㅠㅠ

하나님

실은요

진짜 많이 아프고 힘들어요..

너무 외롭구요 많이 슬퍼요

저 너무 힘들어요 하나님...ㅠㅠ

그렇게 한참을 펑펑 울다가

마치 비가 개듯이 

하나씩 차곡차곡 정리가 되어 버렸다.

그렇게 펑펑 울다가 어느 순간 갑자기 내 입에서

참 좋으신 하나님...

항상 그러셨듯이 지금도 참 좋으신 하나님.. 앞으로도 그러하실 하나님..

이런 말이 나왔고 

잠시 후에는

나의 가장 찌질하고 암울했던 시간조차

내가 그렇게 힘들어 하고 슬퍼하고 외로워 하고 부끄러워 하는 바로 그 가운데서도

영광 받으시는 하나님..

이런 깨달음이...

그제서야 깨달았다.

나의 가장 누추하고 떳떳하지 못한 그 시간들 조차도

하나님은 받으시고 당신의 영광을 위해서 쓰고 계셨구나..

http://youtu.be/rxbF84m3lOc

http://youtu.be/5gIkEvHWiMQ 

what do 'normal' people do when they're lonely?

What the heck to 'normal' people do when they're lonely?

I went to church, I volunteered at an info table at PrideFest, and I watched the Pride March at around 28th Street, I came home, I had dinner delivered, watched HIMYM while eating dinner, and now I am contemplating whether I should go out for a stroll.

I did a lot of things today.
And in the midst of it all, I was alone. I was so, completely, alone.
If it weren't for Nicole and Pooja at the booth I would not have spoken to anyone at all today.
(Pooja who by the way I was very fortunate to meet, bc she did an MA in human rights before law school and worked at the UN before coming to LAS. She said that she felt the need to do grassroots work because the results of her own work are more visible there, compared to policy work where you never get to see the impact/results of your work. Food for thought. Hmm.)
Some days are like that. I say good morning to the receptionist as I sign in for work. By the time I sign out, no one's at reception, so I walk out and come home, have dinner, watch tv, and sleep. And it's the same the next day.

Actually, Lina, my friend from a gazillion years ago called me a couple of hours ago and I didn't realize it bc my phone was on vibration mode and it was in my bag... If I was a normal person, I would have called her back, right?

Uh oh look what I found.

I was walking home from Dr. L's office and discovered three interesting places along the way.

1. The Great Lawn in Central Park: a great combination of green and NYC skyline. Can't believe I kept going through the traverse and missed the nice view!

2. Lady M Cake Boutique: this was the second time I saw this store, but the first time I passed by was after midnight so the store was closed. This is definitely going to be one of my favorite stores in the 'hood. Sounds like sugary DANGER...
http://www.ladym.com/
Just look at that beautiful store. And their cakes. Oh my.

My other favorite stores (which all involve food, because that's the only kind of shopping I thoroughly enjoy) include:
Eli's (humongous grocery store just two blocks from home. they have a ridiculously gigantic selection of cheeses and soups, and a great bakery which has macarons! not macaroons but French Macarons! and their fruits and vegetables are fresh too),
Agata (another large grocery store run by an Italian family. Great for stuff like wine, olive oil, vinegars)
The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf: just because we don't have it upstate :(
David's Tea: what more is there to say? They have like 200 kinds of tea just waiting to be tried and bought! I should prepare my 'stash' before heading back upstate.
Chipotle: affordable, satisfactory mexican food! I'm soooo glad they have it upstate as well. What a relief.
Eat Thai: my go-to takeout place on weekends.

And also stumbled upon this fun blog:
http://normaknowsnyc.com/may-2012?cats=1&cat=223

Gotta get that Maison du Chocolat (78th & Madison! super close to home!) and Georgetown Cupcakes. And Momofuku Milk Bar. And Magnolia Bakery. aaaaaah so many places to visit, only so many calories I should take in per day, and so little money...

Oh man I miss Pera and Migo and La Bonne Tarte.
These things are so much more available and affordable in Seoul!
Miguk is so chonsureowo...

3. Punch Fitness Center: i actually considered signing up, but looked at the rates and gave up. Boom fitness or home fitness it is for me. Why do fitness clubs insist on outrageous initiation fees and yearly fees? It really makes no sense for someone like me who is staying in the City only for a short period of time. But I really can't just keep getting fat.. I really really need to work out. And cut out all the sugary drinks and heaps of dessert.


(Big sigh)

I am in one of the most interesting cities IN THE WORLD and I have no one to enjoy it with. :(
I could really use a datemate.
Am I getting too old for this lifestyle of a hanryang?
Even if my friends were in nyc they don't really want to hang out with me because they are busy studying/working/ saving money.
Is that what I should be doing too?

Well, museums/ galleries I can do on my own. And here's the list:
MoMA
Whitney (again)
Neue Gallery (must get that extra dose of Klimt!)
Frick Collection
The Met (Prada exhibit, and a few others..)
The Met -- Cloisters (everyone keeps telling me it's definitely worthwhile to go there but I don't really know what's there. I'm guessing it's everything that the Met "stashed" away).

There are a few more (like the Museum of Natural History) but that's the priority list.

That's already six museums/galleries, and just one museum/gallery per weekend will keep me busy for the rest of the summer. Haha. So don't stop me.
And I think I would like to go to Bowery Poetry Club.
I'd like to go to a comedy club as well, but I don't think I would appreciate it as much.
Or maybe The Moth (storyslam). - Thanks to Jju unni who found the website.
And maybe Dizzy's, just one more time towards the end of my stay here.

무릎팍도사 강수진 편

(2008년 11월 12일, 19일 방송)
처음에 유학갔을때 얘기 하는 부분에서
나의 지금 상황과 너무 비슷해서 막 울었음ㅠㅠ

http://youtu.be/Ne1oB0T2M5s

http://youtu.be/oRK-d2hvAIw

http://youtu.be/tYhIvE0oZxM

http://youtu.be/vGesYk_0dLY

http://youtu.be/36bhfhO4Uxk

http://youtu.be/Xmao4nK90yQ

http://youtu.be/2r_-cHj62_0

등등등 나머지는 Playlist 자동으로 넘어가게 해놓고 보셈..

http://youtu.be/NLGrtMAZM68
유학 처음 갔을 때 얘기하는 부분ㅠㅠ
http://youtu.be/tz-2YpwuuXw
휴 한국사람들은 어찌그리 똑같은지ㅠㅠㅠㅠ
부모님이랑 서로 걱정할까봐 안좋은얘기 하나도 안하는것도 똑같아...ㅠㅠ

http://youtu.be/KE4d3BMMM1g
휴 이사람은 득도를 했구나 득도를...
나도 나의 일에서 도망다니면서 사는 게 아니라 나의 일을 사랑하면서 살 수 있으면 좋겠다.. 그럴 수 있게 해달라고 기도해야지...ㅠ

http://youtu.be/I3rMHbyNBfA
와 오늘 내가 이걸 보게 된거는 운명인 것 같다...
너무 많은 깨달음을 주시네ㅠㅠㅠㅠ
으헝헝 지난 일년간 내가 먹고살은거랑 그것마저도 똑같아ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

http://youtu.be/1XrOrzjtJfc
그래 나도 포기할 수는 없다는 생각 하나로 버티고 있어..

http://youtu.be/Rz6bLxptvyA
후아... 솔리스트가 되기까지 7년... 난 그만큼 버틸 수 있을까?;;;

http://youtu.be/D49gp1cWO5s
두번째 슬럼프...
그래 자신이 좋아하는 일을 하기 위해서는 더 많은 discipline이 필요한거야..

http://youtu.be/6RyQH6h6SoY
아놔ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
이아저씨 너무 웃겨 >_<ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
역시 남편은 나를 무조건 긍정해 주는 사람을 만나야.....ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
자신감이란 역시 interactional (? is that even a word?) 한것 같다..

http://youtu.be/6RyQH6h6SoY
만날 수 있을까 이런 사람? 나를 마구마구마구 사랑해주는 사람?
내가 사랑받고 있다고 느끼게 해 주는 것이 삶에서 가장 중요한 사람?

댄싱위드더스타 시즌 2 송종국

2002년 월드컵때 내가 진짜 좋아했던 쿠키씨!!!
선수생활 약간의 슬럼프인듯 해서 걱정했는데..
춤 완전 잘추시는데? 보통 운동선수들 Dancing with the Stars에 나오는거 보면 체력도 좋고 민첩성도 좋은데 몸짓이 좀 투박하다고 해야하나? 그런게 좀 있는데 쿠키씨는 그런거도 없고 완전 귀욤 >_< 빠른스텝에서도 서두르지 않고 여유있게 잘하시네ㅋ
무엇보다도 춤출때 "난 이게 너무 재미있어!"라는 듯한 표정이 너무 좋다 ^_^

차차차: Stand By Me
http://youtu.be/r7MCHmA3_yg

퀵스텝: Dancing Queen
http://youtu.be/Vk4RoX_5mCQ
진짜 멋있는데 자꾸 미끄러져서 너무 안타까웠음ㅠㅠ

왜 애인이 없는가!

몇년전부터 고민? 궁금? 연구? 해 오던

왜! 나는 [이나이가 되도록] 애인이 없는가?!

라는 질문에 대한 답을 일부분 얻은 것 같다.

1. I am power hungry, manipulative, and passive-aggressive.
The driving force in all of my human interactions is the desire to be in control.
I am afraid to show my feelings to another person because it means I am making myself vulnerable to that person. I am so afraid of losing control -- of myself, and of my relationships -- that I refuse
This is not exactly new but I didn't realize that my desire to be the one in control/power was so prevalent in everything that I do. (도대체 무슨 일이 있었길래 이렇게 된걸까???)

2. Growing up, I've only seen dysfunctional men.
This is something new and something I really didn't realize until my therapist pointed it out to me.
My paternal grandparents were the most dysfunctional individuals and my father's family overall was the most dysfunctional family one could imagine. My paternal grandfather was not present for my father's entire childhood and adolescence and suddenly showed up one day when my father was already in college.
Consequently, my father never knew what it was like to have a father and of course he never had the chance to learn how to be a father. I don't think he was a 'bad father' and I know he genuinely tried his best but I grew up watching him struggle with his role in the family because it was obvious that he himself had no idea what he was supposed to do in the position of a husband and a father. His overall level of physical and mental well-being has increased in the last several years and recently he's been improving at an amazing speed. (He even wrote me a shockingly long email to cheer me up last week.)
And my brother is... well, someone I had to and have to take care of.
I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents when I was very little, but my maternal grandfather was already retired when I was born. So even though he is one of the most humorous persons I've come to know I guess I never learned to respect him for doing serious work. I learned only a couple of years ago that he was a hotshot researcher at a nuclear power plant when he was young. But he fell very ill when my mother was in middle school or high school and after then he hasn't had much 'career development'.
So naturally, because I've never seen a 진짜 멋있는 남자 as I was growing up, it makes perfect sense that I cannot take men seriously and that I am sarcastic about the possibility of having a relationship with a man. 그 누구를 만나도 실망하게 될꺼야, 라는 두려움이 앞서는게 당연한걸지도 모르겠다.

So what can I do to remedy this?
이렇게 평생을 살 수는 없잖아...-_-

외로워

외로워

아주, 아주 많이.......

I don't think I've ever been so lonely before in my entire life.

친구가 아무도, 단 한명도 없었던 적은 내 평생에...

N고 입학하고 반 바뀌고 나서 첫 2주 가량

이후로 처음인 것 같다.


내일 다른 인턴들이랑 밥 같이 먹자고 할까...
내일점심메뉴는: 파프리카 방울토마토 버섯양배추크레이프 + 딸기 망고?
내일아침메뉴는: 자몽쥬스 초코아몬드페이스트리 or 블루베리스콘 바닐라맛두유 + 딸기 망고 블루베리 라즈베리? OR 버섯양배추크레이프 + 옥수수스프?

먹는거, 영화, 공연, maybe 여행,
are the only things I enjoy thinking about.
아 그리고 드라마 보기.
나는 공유랑 이민정 둘다 좋아하니까, "빅" 열심히 보고 있는데
촬영장소가 죄다 정자역ㅠㅠ 진짜 집에가고싶다ㅠㅠㅠㅠ that drama really does not help with homesicknessㅠㅠㅠㅠ

어제와 오늘 장보는데만 70불넘게 썼다... 꼭 다 먹어치워야 해...

그리고 오늘은 "relatively" 일찍 자자.

상담이 제발 잘 되어서 다음학기를 위한 준비를 충분히 할 수 있으면 좋겠다.
그리고 제발 보험으로 커버 되면 좋겠다ㅠㅠ
약간 두렵기도 하다. 도대체 어디까지 캐내게 될지..
나의 목표는 일단 마음 추스리고 목표의식 확실히 하기, 그리고 적극적으로 도움 요청하는 법 배우기. (Maybe that will help me deal with 이성 better too-_-)

긴축재정!!! 허리띠 졸라매고 꼭 도시락 싸서 다니기!
내일이나 금/토요일에 잊지말고 한인타운 가서 반찬사오기!
드라마보는 시간 한시간 줄이고 운동 한시간 하기! 산책부터 줄넘기부터. 그리고 sit-ups!

And, most importantly,

ASKING FOR HELP.

"It's almost like a neurotic scream." Ha ha.

1L Grades

This is probably the loneliest night of my life.

단 한가지라도 잘 하는 게 있었으면 좋겠다.

단 한가지라도 열심히, 성실히, 할 줄 아는 게 있으면 좋겠다.

하지만

열심히 살고 싶은가?

아니면

지금껏 하던 대로

대충 살고 싶은가?

Refusing to face my shortcomings?
Refusing to deal with problems?
Running away from conflict?
Ignoring discomfort?
Blaming others?

어쩌면 정말로 때려 치우는 게 맞는 걸지도 모르겠다.

And I think I need help finding that out.