그때 우리가 했던 걸 사랑이라 할 수 있을까.
나는 너에게
나를 향한 너의 마음보다 큰 것을 기대했던 것 같다.
I think I wanted from you all the things I imagined having an admirer would be,
and I think I tried to do all the things that I imagined a person being adored would and should do, to you.
네가 나에게 (보여)준 마음이
정말 정말 순수하고, 예쁘고, 따뜻했지만
I didn't know how to receive it.
'다른 사람의 사랑을 받아들이는 것도 용기가 필요한 일'이라는 말이 생각나네.
You gave me such a precious pearl, (정제되고 정제된, 아주 깨끗하고 너무나도 아름다운..)
but I wanted balloons that would take me up into the sky, fireworks, bombs, things big and fancy, things that would make me sick with all of its brightness and grandios and that I could show off to others (who???).
사랑을 받을 줄도 모르면서, 사랑스러우려 노력은 하나도 안 하면서,
사랑받고 싶어 난리를 쳤던 것 같다.
너의 마음은 작고 가벼웠기에,
너는 딱 그만큼 나를 마음껏 사랑하고 and you moved on, soon.
In the meanwhile, my fantasies (과대망상) and expectations grew bigger,
as I saw you as something you weren't, something I imagined you could be for me.
So when you drifted away, quite done with me,
but civil, and nice, and respectful of whatever it is that we had,
enough to continue to listen to my crazy shit and to share with me who you were seeing after you realized it wouldn't work out (the way I wanted to) (or that you didn't want to play along to my crazy tune) between us.
Still I obsess:
What was it then, that we had?
Good intentions?
Puppy love?
Friendship between a boy and a girl?
A guy who had a crush on a girl who didn't know how to respond and then fucked it all up?
I know that this is, or should be, the end of the road for that unnameable thing we had.
I have only negative things to share with you because my life is shit right now.
I don't want to drag you down (nor would you be dragged down) with stories of my shitty life and how I regret not having been able to respond truthfully or more skillfully to what you gave me, and how sorry my ass is that I fell harder for you (or started obsessing over you) only after you were done with me.
* I was listening to an NKOTB playlist on Youtube, and when I got to this part, this song came on: https://youtu.be/8UIbVszw4mo (Call It What You Want, 1999)
I love this person's (rosiegroovy) comment: "I think I just had 50 million orgasms watching this. Joey's hotness. Donnie kissing that lucky girl. Danny's muscles. Jordan's sexy dance moves. And LOL Jon getting chased by the girls! (and Jon's sexy smile!) WOO!"*
And if I continue to talk to you and remain in contact with you, I will keep throwing my depressing shit at you and I will be jealous of what you have with your wife-to-be (Gawd you guys look so cute together. 너의 그 어떤 전여친들보다도 이여자랑 정말 잘 어울려. 역시 '될 사이'는 쉽게 되나봐. 결혼까지 별 어려움 없이 그냥 스윽- ) and my dark side will take over and try to tear that down.
So to avoid my becoming this crazy destructive monster,
and so that I can finally move and open my heart to other people,
and for the respect and 아끼는 마음 that I have left for you,
I will keep away.
Hopefully I can make it to your wedding, and that will be my final goodbye.
Have a good life,
I thank you for the kindness and patience you showed me and your strength, you were strong enough not to be affected by all the crazy shit I imposed and threw on you.
I will forever be embarrassed of myself and whenever I look back on the memories of the times I shared with you (hopefully much less frequently than I currently do) I will look at with much fondness and remember them as some of the sweetest and purest moments I ever shared with anyone.
Hopefully I will be able to find someone I can share something that can be called 'love' and a 'real, proper relationship' with. And hopefully all the happiness that I share with that person will make me stronger and overshadow that strange, lovely but small thing that I shared with you when I was thirteen and fourteen.
This is how it must be.
How I let you go and move the fuck on.
So goodbye.
나는 너에게
나를 향한 너의 마음보다 큰 것을 기대했던 것 같다.
I think I wanted from you all the things I imagined having an admirer would be,
and I think I tried to do all the things that I imagined a person being adored would and should do, to you.
네가 나에게 (보여)준 마음이
정말 정말 순수하고, 예쁘고, 따뜻했지만
I didn't know how to receive it.
'다른 사람의 사랑을 받아들이는 것도 용기가 필요한 일'이라는 말이 생각나네.
You gave me such a precious pearl, (정제되고 정제된, 아주 깨끗하고 너무나도 아름다운..)
but I wanted balloons that would take me up into the sky, fireworks, bombs, things big and fancy, things that would make me sick with all of its brightness and grandios and that I could show off to others (who???).
사랑을 받을 줄도 모르면서, 사랑스러우려 노력은 하나도 안 하면서,
사랑받고 싶어 난리를 쳤던 것 같다.
너의 마음은 작고 가벼웠기에,
너는 딱 그만큼 나를 마음껏 사랑하고 and you moved on, soon.
In the meanwhile, my fantasies (과대망상) and expectations grew bigger,
as I saw you as something you weren't, something I imagined you could be for me.
So when you drifted away, quite done with me,
but civil, and nice, and respectful of whatever it is that we had,
enough to continue to listen to my crazy shit and to share with me who you were seeing after you realized it wouldn't work out (the way I wanted to) (or that you didn't want to play along to my crazy tune) between us.
Still I obsess:
What was it then, that we had?
Good intentions?
Puppy love?
Friendship between a boy and a girl?
A guy who had a crush on a girl who didn't know how to respond and then fucked it all up?
I know that this is, or should be, the end of the road for that unnameable thing we had.
I have only negative things to share with you because my life is shit right now.
I don't want to drag you down (nor would you be dragged down) with stories of my shitty life and how I regret not having been able to respond truthfully or more skillfully to what you gave me, and how sorry my ass is that I fell harder for you (or started obsessing over you) only after you were done with me.
* I was listening to an NKOTB playlist on Youtube, and when I got to this part, this song came on: https://youtu.be/8UIbVszw4mo (Call It What You Want, 1999)
I love this person's (rosiegroovy) comment: "I think I just had 50 million orgasms watching this. Joey's hotness. Donnie kissing that lucky girl. Danny's muscles. Jordan's sexy dance moves. And LOL Jon getting chased by the girls! (and Jon's sexy smile!) WOO!"*
And if I continue to talk to you and remain in contact with you, I will keep throwing my depressing shit at you and I will be jealous of what you have with your wife-to-be (Gawd you guys look so cute together. 너의 그 어떤 전여친들보다도 이여자랑 정말 잘 어울려. 역시 '될 사이'는 쉽게 되나봐. 결혼까지 별 어려움 없이 그냥 스윽- ) and my dark side will take over and try to tear that down.
So to avoid my becoming this crazy destructive monster,
and so that I can finally move and open my heart to other people,
and for the respect and 아끼는 마음 that I have left for you,
I will keep away.
Hopefully I can make it to your wedding, and that will be my final goodbye.
Have a good life,
I thank you for the kindness and patience you showed me and your strength, you were strong enough not to be affected by all the crazy shit I imposed and threw on you.
I will forever be embarrassed of myself and whenever I look back on the memories of the times I shared with you (hopefully much less frequently than I currently do) I will look at with much fondness and remember them as some of the sweetest and purest moments I ever shared with anyone.
Hopefully I will be able to find someone I can share something that can be called 'love' and a 'real, proper relationship' with. And hopefully all the happiness that I share with that person will make me stronger and overshadow that strange, lovely but small thing that I shared with you when I was thirteen and fourteen.
This is how it must be.
How I let you go and move the fuck on.
So goodbye.
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