a little rain

The weather was beautiful for the last five days, but today it's raining. Just a little bit.
Went to the bookstore to buy casenotes, but the store is closed today and tomorrow.
Very few people in the library today.
He's in his usual seat.
Someone was whistling (!) in the computer lab.

I just want to tell you how lonely and powerless I feel right now.

I miss R like crazy and want to talk to him so bad but am afraid that we have grown apart for too long and that worlds can no longer converge and that I'm stuck in my drab gray world of law school and he in his own world with his fabulous amazing new lover.

I think I should really go talk to the counselor this week. I should have gone this week.

So embarrassing how I threw myself on him (figuratively speaking) like that on the second time I met him... Guess I was (and still am) really desperate to tell someone about what I'm going through, to someone who would understand, at least a little bit, and to someone who wouldn't judge me for that, someone who really would pray for me if I asked. He seemed like a good guy. But I don't think we'll ever meet again. I won't initiate, and I know he's not the type to. And he probably thinks of me as an interesting dongsaeng at best.

Y keeps asking me what I think of the potato farmer ("Jay") and I guess I just shied away from answering. I said something like "He's okay, he's funny." I mean yeah, I like him, or I could like him, but I know he likes hella pretty girls (I mean drop. dead. gorgeous. girls who look near anorexic but have boobs like Barbie's) and I am as far away as anyone can get from his type.

Poor H dated a bad guy when she was so young. Hope she'll meet a great guy who is head over heels for her someday. Someday soon. I know she can. She's so cute and lovable. She just has to stop falling for bad guys. I think that's a part of growing up. Learning to accept and appreciate it when someone loves you. It's not as easy as it sounds because we always want the person we like to like us back and lose sight of the people who like us expecting nothing in return except for maybe recognition and a little appreciation.

But I wonder if there ever was anyone after S who like-liked me. That's when I was 14. I'm almost 26 now. (Oh I guess K counts. Lol) I doubt it though. Even when I look back at myself I was detestable. Since high school and until now.

Last night Y said I can't like someone naiively/purely, because my "head is too heavy." I know that. But when someone else tells it to me it's like WTF??? How the hell do you know? But it's true. I think way too much. Not only about relationships but about everything. It's like I have no heart left becaue it all got soaked up in my brain.

Shit I am so emo. All this only because I don't want to study and because I'm trying to deny that spring break is over.