envy + self-criticism

I've recently been discovering that a few (or, quite a few) of my friends are abroad for their MA or PhD.
쪼끔...많이...부럽더라ㅠ
and I feel like such a loser for going to a women's university for 6 straight years.
(Not to mention how much people make fun of me for doing that + people simply don't understand and ask "너는 그학교가 그.렇.게. 좋으니?" um hello...)
I feel like such a loser for not having studied LSAT or GRE during my undergrad years.
Well, I made an attempt to study LSAT during my last semester and failed miserably.
I feel like a loser because all or most of those friends who are abroad studying now did their school research and sent in their applications either during their last semester or while they were working at a full-time job. - Something I failed to do.
I really lost focus during my six-month internship... comepletely gave up studying because I enjoyed spending money too much. (Trip to Japan, the MANY MANY MANY movies and musicals and whatevers I watched, etc.)
Now I feel like I'm a complete loser for giving way to the pleasures of the moment instead of focusing on my 'goal'.
Makes me look like I never had a goal to begin with.
Did I? Did I really?
Even now, I almost never finish my readings for class. And I just barely hand in my assignments on time. (오늘 RM project도 완전 허접쓰레기인 상태로 그냥 내버렸음)
At this rate, how the heck am I going to keep up with '네이티브 스피커'+미친천재nerds+평생동안bookworms+지금보다 다섯배쯤 많은 분량의 readings?!?!?

내자신을 너무 과대평가 해서 have I set pie-in-the-sky goals for myself?
내 수준을 너무 모르고 있는건가?
지금 내가 하고 있는만큼이 내 능력인데 그걸 부인하고 싶어서 잘난척하고 있는건가?
나는 맛있는거 먹고 놀러다니고 영화보고 연극보러 다니느라 공부 안하는 된장녀 병신인가?
그게 나의 진짜 모습인가?
Do I want to keep living this way or am I really willing to make sacrifices for a more 뽀대나는 life?

SIGH.