Things I would like to do but am too lazy to do

Things I would like to do but am too lazy to do:

learn to play the guitar, bass, and drums
learn to sing well
learn photography
earn enough money to buy all the film/digital cameras I want
earn enough money to travel to all the places I want
watch all the movies I want (well.. this is dependent on some factors that I can't control, such as whether the movie is showing at a theater I can actually visit)
watch West Wing, Glee, Gossip Girl... and all the other tv shows that people are raving about
learn Francais, Espanol, 日本語
study Chinese (okay I don't actually 'want' to do this.. but I feel obligated to)
go horseback riding on a regular basis
learn to play a sport enough to enjoy it
learn Taekwondo
learn kendo (er.. maybe not so much)
learn to make kimchi and many other delicious foods


/ Things I should make time to do:
go to the gym every day (on at least three weekdays and saturday) and do both cardio AND weights
practice yoga

croquis 284

1. I think my body is reacting to my emotional shock at the very first negative result.

2. You effing stink (literally) and I effing hate you.

3. 너 만날 때는 옷, 가방, 신발, 화장, 머리... 왜 이렇게 신경쓸 게 많냐.
근데 아무리 챙겨 입고 나가도 널 만나면 난 부끄럽기만 하다.
사실 우리 사이에 그따위 건 상관 없는데 말이지.
도대체 언제부터, 왜, 이렇게 됐는지...

croquis 283

이런 때가 종종 있기는 하지만.. 이번 방학은 정말;
도대체 내가 제대로 하고 있는 게 하나라도 있나,
건강 학업 인턴십 진로준비 인간관계...
모두 다 틀어져 가기만 하고
눈 뜨는 순간부터 나에게 실망하고
사람 만날 때 마다 '나는 정말 아직도 멀었구나'라는 생각밖에 안들고

/사람이란 원래
자랑하고 싶은 것이나 불평하고 싶은 것이 없으면
만나자고 먼저 하지 않는 존재인 것이다.

/남들은 잘 되고 쑥쑥 성장해 가는데 나만 요모양 요꼴인것은
오로지 내탓이오 내 탓이오 내 큰 탓이로다

/재수...를 생각해야 하는걸까.
정말로 난 살면서 무언가를 노력해서 얻어본 적이 없는 것 같다.
그걸 배우기 위해서라도 재수를 해야 하는 걸까?
내 손으로 노력해서 무언가를 성취하는 경험을 한다면,
그 이후에는 뭐든지 (는 아니더라도 많은 일을) 할 수 있다는 자신감이 생길텐데.

/정말 걱정이 태산이다.ㅠㅠ

Croquis no.282

1) drugged up with cold medicine (or maybe just tired + unwilling to come back to 'real life'). a bit hazy/sleepy. can't really push myself to think things through, or to do anything that will require effort more than typing.

2) Nepal was fantastic. CORRECTION: the TRIP to Nepal was fantastic.
All you can imagine and so much more.
Something doesn't make sense? It makes sense in Nepal.
Can't imagine living without something (e.g. electricity, flushable toilets)?
You learn to live without it in Nepal.

3)Honestly I was shocked -- I was afraid it was the same thing all over again. But it wasn't as turbulent, or straining, or hurtful, as the first time.
All in all it was easier. The presence of children and a happy family definitely helped. Helped me remember that I didn't belong anywhere in that picture. Helped me forget. Easily. Easier.

4) But I probably never will give up on reliving that moment. And now I dream of going back, with someone just like Msbs/Bmsn.

5) Another thing I noticed during the trip was how many times I thought "How wonderful it would be if R could see what I was seeing!/ hearing/ feeling..."
And how little I thought of S.
Shows how much [the present] matters way more than [the past].