How do I let go of a relationship that never was?

How do I let go of a relationship that never was?

So the day came... the day when he contacted me out of the blue and told me he had a "piece of paper" that he "would like to deliver in person."

My emotional response?
First, relief.
Because I really was afraid that he might never invite me to his wedding, considering some of the crazy obsessive shit I had done to him.

Then, anger and confusion.

Goodness knows why I keep doing this but I keep going to his gf/fiancee's Instagram to look at their wedding photos -_-
And she had hashtagged it with "#따뜻한너"

Yeap. She's marrying him.
Him, not any other guy.

Him, the guy I once thought I had grown to know so well.
The guy that confided in me.
The guy whom I know to be one of the most #따뜻한 persons that I ever came to know.
The guy who I know to have #따뜻함 as his strongest personality trait. (From what I know of him, I believe he is an ISFJ.)

Yup, that's him.

I mean, how many guys are capable of (and willing to) croquis-ing his fiancee and all the dresses she tries on when she goes shopping for her fucking wedding dress?
(That lucky biatch.)


And then a storm, a tsunami of all these different thoughts and emotions that I can't even name...

When did we become 29 years old? Time sure flies by.
I still remember when he was shorter than me and a pre-pubescent little boy.

I remember that time when I asked him to join my church youth group to go watch a movie and you had broken your foot and had a cast on and I kept a distance and ignored you and one of the teachers came to me and asked me why I wasn't talking to him even though he had a broken foot.

I remember the many times I ran across the crosswalk to avoid being seen walking together with you after 학원 and one day you asked me why and I could never say that it was because I was embarrassed to be seen together with him (or any boy, really).

I still remember when I told him I thought he was "cute" he went and told his mom and she laughed.

I still have the photograph he e-mailed me when he started playing guitar in bands and dyed his hair brown/blonde.

I still remember that day when he was jamming with his friends and he asked me to play keyboard and I couldn't.

I remember the concert he had in Korea with his friends and I brought along a friend.

I remember the day when I let him take me guitar-shopping at 낙원상가 even though I had other plans. ("너도 기타 좋아하니까", he said. Ha ha.)

I still remember that day when he was on leave from the army and we tried to meet up at Gangnam and he didn't have a cell phone so I called his home or his mom and his mom picked up and told me that our "아름다운 우정" would continue (or something like that)

I watched him grow... Much as a sibling or a parent would.
Can he say the same about me? Will he?
And what did he see in me over all these years?
What does he think of me now?
(Does he think I'm a pathetic bitch who needs more dick and less books in her life?)

Does he think I have matured in any way over the many years he has known me?
Did he ever think I was more than a smart alec?
Did he ever think I was............. "warm"?
Did he ever think I was beautiful in any sense of that word?
Did he ever think I was 'cute'?

What the heck did he find to be desirable about me? (And why has no one ever seen me that way, after him?)

When were the moments when he felt that his relationship with me was valuable, something to hold onto and take care of?

..... Does he think much of me at all now?



And is this where all of this ends?
Should it end now?
Or can we, and should we, keep being friends?
Would it be healthy for us, for me, to keep being friends?
Is it okay to ask him to keep calling me and inviting me to the big moments of his life (his child's first birthday, his parents' funeral, his children's weddings, etc.)?
Or would that be just really weird?
Is it really time to cut all ties with him?

Is he the only person I ever really loved?
Am I incapable of falling in love?
Is it because I am obsessed and infatuated with myself more than anything?

Did I ever really love him?
Then why did it take so long for me to realize and admit it?

Will I ever be able to love anyone more than I loved (and still love) him?

Why the fuck do I obsess so much over what I always knew (and even actively decided from the get-go) would never work out?

Too many questions, I think my head is about to burst.

I keep picturing holding him in my arms and whispering "가지마"
And it would be half joking and half 진심.

Will I always think of him the way Ted thinks of Robin?
(Will it ever be mutual? Nah.)
(Hahaha FYI https://whichmbtitype.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/which-mbti-type-are-the-characters-from-how-i-met-your-mother/)

Anyways. That's what my bored little mind is going through these days.

I'm going to meet him to get this "piece of paper" on 4/23 which is in 9 days.
Gotta hella lose weight until then and buy a nice dress to wear to the wedding.
Gawd it's going to be awkward -- will I know anyone else who's coming?
This will be my first time sitting at the groom's side at a wedding.

Le big sigh.