http://cornellalumnimagazine.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2048&Itemid=56&limit=1&limitstart=1
Gerontologist Karl Pillemer gleans relationship advice from veterans of long marriages
By Heather Salerno
. . . The elders in the book acknowledge that choosing a proper mate is ultimately a guessing game. However, they offer concrete strategies on how to make that guess more educated—and some of their recommendations amazed Pillemer. "There's this strong feeling in this country that opposites attract, and that you can't be too similar to somebody else or it'll get boring," he says. "But if you ask the oldest Americans which is true—'birds of a feather' or 'opposites attract'—they're totally with birds of a feather."
Indeed, Pillemer's subjects are united on this point; they say that you have a better shot at a good marriage if both partners share core values. The elders noted that different interests can sometimes jazz up a relationship, but couples need to be on the same page when it comes to major issues like money, parenthood, career, and religion.
. . . I'm glad to report that with the help of the experts, I learned the secret to "following your heart." And it's not just an amorphous idea of being in love. Instead, when you are making the decision whether or not to go forward in a serious way, the experts told me there's one specific thing to look for: the in-love feeling. Its presence or absence is the diagnostic tool you need to decide "should I stay or should I go?"
In the search for a partner, nearly all of the experts described a powerful "sense of rightness," an intuitive and almost indescribable conviction that you have made the right choice. Call it what you will—a spark, an intuition, a gut feeling—but they agree that you shouldn't commit to a relationship without it. That's what following your heart means.
I admit that this profound sense that the person is right for you sounds intangible and even a bit mystical. And the elders often struggled to put this all-important criterion for choosing a mate into words. But for the experts, this particular ineffable feeling is highly predictive of a successful marriage. And in even stronger terms that warn you about the flip-side of the in-love feeling: Never get married without it.
Over and over, the experts described this same "in-love feeling." Most remarkable was the nearly identical wording they employed; it varied little from person to person. When asked how they knew their partner was "the one," they would often hunt for words, and then wind up referring to this special feeling. This sensation involves a conviction of overwhelming rightness that builds on, but ultimately defies, a solely rational explanation.
Perhaps even more important than the in-love feeling is the opposite; let's call it the "this is wrong" feeling.
Many experts also described this feeling in remarkably similar terms: as a visceral, intuitive, nagging sense that the relationship is just not right. It may be so faint that you have to search your feelings carefully for it. But the experts tell you from their own—sometimes tragic—experience that you ignore the warning of that feeling at your great peril.
EXCERPTED AND CONDENSED FROM 30 LESSONS FOR LOVING: ADVICE FROM THE WISEST AMERICANS ON LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS, AND MARRIAGE. REPRINTED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH HUDSON STREET PRESS, A MEMBER OF PENGUIN GROUP (USA) LLC, A PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE COMPANY. COPYRIGHT © 2015 BY KARL PILLEMER, PHD.
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