croquis: D-2

1. wow, over 10,000 views! (Although half of that is probably me checking whether my posts have actually been published with the formatting that I intended.)

2. Why am I getting so nervous about asking for an informational interview? I think I would be about as nervous asking someone out for a date.

3. When the heck am I going to pack? and make sure my bags don't go over the weight limit..
and why does this company not allow people to choose seats as soon as they buy tickets?!??? Even Delta allows that, regardless of the class of the ticket.. (and make you pay more to get seats with more leg room)
I hope I can get an aisle seat, preferably in the center column. J always recommends sitting next to the emergency exits, but I don't care so much for that. Also hope there are no wailing babies on the flight.

4. So much to do, so little time. That's why I'll be working until Friday afternoon, when I'm taking a Saturday morning flight. 왜그랬을까도대체.
Fu*k translations... want to look at more 사건기록s...

5. Do some soul-searching, she says. Like, I haven't been doing that?
The choice is between: take the narrow road that not many people take, where not many people can offer advice, and get paid less, but is the place where you want to end up OR take the wide path that many people take, where many experienced people can offer guidance, and get paid a lot more, but is not where you want to end up?
The two paths are equally difficult, challenging, and tiresome.
Which one should I choose...

6. Should I be embarrassed that I think my choice would have been different if I was married or at least engaged to a rich guy?
How I wish I could just be a student forever without having to make any career choices.

7. And even when I do make those hard choices, who says the employers I want will hire me?

8. I seriously. want to 때려쳐 all the stuff I'm doing at church. It's just way too much pressure, and I'm such an idiot when it comes to time management. And dealing with people. No, I can deal with people, it's that I have to take care of people... I just, don't have time for that. I need more time to take care of myself. And having to sacrifice my entire weekend. That's kind of a big thing.

9. Must. Go to Wednesday night service at In2.

last week of internship, almost lunch hour

I am so, so, so sleepy.............

I need to ask about Friday and whether and how I can get lunch money

And study up on firms I will be interviewing with
and on interview tips and skills

I just don't... want to be doing what I should be doing right now... translating.. please, no more!

Just been invited to company dinner on Thursday evening (by a person I've never seen before in the office-_-).. wonder what that'll be like?
Note: do not wear skirt on Thursday, otherwise will need to kneel for hours. No need to add to discomfort (when just being present at the dinner itself will be discomfort enough..)

Should I talk to the only US atty here?
He looks kind of grumpy (and another atty, whom I like, has said he is, kind of... too.)

waiting for my vacay in nyc.. not the ideal place to have a vacation, but it's what my schedule will allow.
I will so watch a movie. and call my friend who will have had her baby by then.

Need to call movers, and landlord, and electric service, and friends who I think will let me crash at their place for a couple of days during the process of cleaning out the apartment and moving in.. Possibly H unni could help me unpack stuff? Or at least drive me to supermarket/mall if and when I need to go shopping.

why is my supervisor not going out for lunch... get out get out get outttt or ask me to lunch with you
either way come on, so I can go out for lunch

been lurking about in WNY/Upstate firms' websites. there are some ppl with amazing 스펙 but chose to work at what some ppl call "shitlaw" (as opposed to "biglaw")... WHY? Why would you choose to work in Buffalo/Rochester/Syracuse when you can Manhattan and get better pay (up to three times as much)? Those people were on journals, did moot court, graduated with honors, etc. and they're working in Buffalo? Why the heck? And if THOSE people with amazing resumes are working at shitlaw, where the hell am I going to get a job?????

okay I'm just going to get out at noon. Six more minutes.

aw snap.

the guy who uses the cubicle next to me was gone for most of day and now he's back.
Man, I was having a good day bc neither my supervisor nor he was in the office today...
Snap.

I'd appreciate some peace and quiet (and not being worried about getting caught when I stray off online.. like this...)

You know what, actually I think I can hear my supervisor talking to that guy on the phone right now, omg...
Never a dull moment, huh.

Yeap. I'm sure it's him. sounds just like him, the way he talks.

Anyways, I was hoping to work on some new cases/projects, but from the way things look right now, I might be stuck doing translations until Thursday... Oh please no. I should have asked for different kinds of work early on, instead of showing them I'm a real gunner when it comes to translation... dayum. Think of all the money I could have earned by now if I became a professional translator/interpreter, all the money I would have saved by not going to law school, by not going abroad...

(deep sigh)


(Back to UNPAID translation work....... fml.......)

Imam Khalid Latif's Ramadan Reflections: Day 16

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/imam-khalid-latif/ramadan-reflection-day-16_b_3645540.html

"Every shaykh was once a mureed. Every teacher was once a student. An expert in any arena started out as a novice, and you and I in our paths towards reaching our full potential are no different. Our respective journeys towards a mastery of our skills and acquisition of our credentials, degrees, licenses, and titles starts always with a step one. Before we do something, we haven't done it. The first step is thus an important one. But I would argue that the second step, as well as the third, fourth, fifth and so on are just as important, if not more so."

"Begin to think from now if you haven't already started how you will carry forth with everything that you've learned about yourself, the world around you, the world within you, and the world beyond this world. 

Make a firm intention from now to not let go so easily. 

Solicit the help of friends and loved ones and express your goals and objectives explicitly so that you have something tangible to be accountable towards. 

And at the very least just try your best. 

You shouldn't expect anything other than that because the best is what you deserve, including from yourself."

[Devex] Top global development groups in Washington, DC: A primer

Top global development groups in Washington, DC: A primer

By Rolf Rosenkranz on 22 July 2013

https://www.devex.com/en/news/top-global-development-groups-in-washington-dc-a-primer

In international development, it’s hard to bypass Washington. Because it is home to some of the world’s most generous bilateral and multilateral donors, dozens of implementing agencies have taken root in the U.S. capital and its surroundings as well.

The city’s Dupont Circle area boasts what may be the highest concentration of nonprofits and think tanks anywhere, with groups such as the Center for Global Development, Brookings Institution, Aspen Institute, United Nations Foundation, Freedom House and, a few blocks north, the D.C. offices of FHI 360.

Downtown, Pennsylvania Ave. connects the U.S. Congress with the U.S. Agency for International Development, the White House and nearby Millennium Challenge Corp. The Department of State is just a short cab ride away near the Potomac River and historic Georgetown, an affluent neighborhood with fancy shops and eateries that is a government favorite.

In the triangle between U.S. Capitol, White House and Dupont Circle are two major multilaterals, the World Bank and the Inter-American Development Bank.

Many major implementing NGOs and consultancies, meanwhile, are based outside the District of Columbia’s borders in Virginia and Maryland, including Bethesda (DAI, Abt Associates), Arlington (AECOM, PA Consulting, Development & Training Services Inc., International Business Initiatives), Alexandria (Grant Thornton), Silver Spring (CHF International) and McLean (Booz Allen Hamilton). Catholic Relief Services is headquartered in Baltimore, a 45-minute train ride from D.C.’s Union Station.

Here are some of the largest development-focused organizations in Washington, D.C., based on staff estimates:

ACDI/VOCA

Type: NGO
Founded: 1963
President and CEO: Carl H. Leonard

ACDI/VOCA aims to promote broad-based economic growth and help develop civil society in emerging economies and developing countries. It offers technical assistance in five areas: agribusiness, enterprise development, financial services, community development and food security. It has 103 active projects in 40 countries and employs more than 1,500 in the United States and overseas. ACDI/VOCA implements 300-400 technical consulting assignments each year.

Chemonics

Type: consultancy
Founded: 1975
President and CEO: Richard Dreiman

Chemonics designs and implements projects in agriculture, conflict and disaster management, democracy and governance, education, energy, environmental management, financial services, gender, health, and private sector development. This ISO 9001-certified company has experience working in 135 countries. It currently holds the most live USAID indefinite quantity contracts, with 14.

Creative Associates International

Type: consultancy
Founded: 1977
President and CEO: M. Charito Kruvant

Creative is the second-largest women-owned company working with the U.S. government. It has a regional office in Kenya and field offices in 15 other countries. Its president, M. Charito Kruvant, is the chairwoman of theCoalition of International Development Companies, which brings together 51 companies seeking to better highlight their role in U.S. international development initiatives and have a bigger voice in development-focused debates.

Inter-American Development Bank

Type: multilateral donor
Founded: 1959
President: Luis Alberto Moreno

IDB is a multilateral development bank serving Latin America and the Caribbean. It provides grants and technical assistance as well as performs research. The bank has 48 member shareholders, including 26 borrowing members from the region, which also have a majority ownership of the bank. It affirms a strong commitment to measurable results, increased integrity, transparency and accountability.

International Resources Group

Type: consultancy
Founded: 1978
President: Asif M. Shaikh

IRG has completed more than 850 contracts in 140 countries, working with governments, U.N. agencies, multilateral and bilateral donors, non-governmental organizations, and other companies. Its areas of specialization: economics, resources, relief and reconstruction, governance, and capacity development. It hasISO 14001 certification, a recognition of its effective environmental management system.

Millennium Challenge Corp.

Type: bilateral donor
Founded: 2004
CEO: Daniel Yohannes

MCC is an independent U.S. foreign aid agency that partners with developing countries that it regards to be committed to good governance, economic freedom and investments in their people. It awards large, five-year grants to countries that it has signed compacts with. It likewise extends smaller grants to countries that come close to meeting MCC compact eligibility criteria and strongly commit to improving their policy performance.

Pact

Type: NGO
Founded: 1971
President and CEO: Mark Viso

Pact offers training, technical assistance and mentoring to build stronger grassroots organizations. Over the past two years, it has implemented more than 100 projects in at least 60 countries, focusing on democracy and governance, HIV/AIDS, livelihood, natural resource management and peace building. Pact also performs grant management, and over the past 17 years, it has managed more than $350 million in subgrants from USAID and other donors. Grant awards may be as little as $1,000 to as high as $5 million.

Population Services International

Type: NGO
Founded: 1970
President and CEO: Karl Hofmann

PSI offers lifesaving products, clinical services and behavior change communications, with a focus on malaria, child survival, HIV and reproductive health. It has a presence in 67 countries and operates a European office in Amsterdam. In 2009, PSI, a Devex Top 40 Development Innovator, reported revenues of $524 million.

U.S. Agency for International Development

Type: bilateral donor
Founded: 1961
Administrator: Rajiv Shah

USAID, which celebrates its golden jubilee in 2011, is the world’s largest bilateral donor. It is an independent U.S. federal government agency receiving overall foreign policy guidance from the U.S. secretary of state. Its work focuses on the following areas: economic growth, agriculture and trade; global health; and democracy, conflict prevention and humanitarian assistance.

World Bank

Type: multilateral donor
Founded: 1944
President: Robert Zoellick

The World Bank comprises the International Development Association and the International Bank for Reconstruction and Development and is part of the broader World Bank Group. It is the premier institution providing financial and technical assistance to developing countries. Its mission is “fight poverty with passion and professionalism for lasting results and to help people help themselves and their environment by providing resources, sharing knowledge, building capacity and forging partnerships in the public and private sectors.”

Other notable global development groups in the D.C. metro area include:

Consultancies

• Abt Associates
• Advanced Engineering Associates International
• AECOM
• AMEX International
• Bankworld
• Booz Allen Hamilton
• BroadReach
• Carana Corp.
• Cardno Emerging Markets USA
• Casals & Associates
• Checchi and Company Consulting Inc.
• Crown Agents USA
• DAI
• Deloitte
• Development Finance International
• Development & Training Services Inc.
• DevTech Systems
• Dexis Consulting Group
• FHI 360
• Fintrac
• Futures Group
• Grant Thornton
• Guizzetti & Associates
• IBI International
• ICF Macro
• International Business & Technical Consultants Inc.
• J.E. Austin Associates
• Kaizen
• Louis Berger Group
• LTL Strategies
• Management Systems International
• Nathan Associates
• PaL-Tech
• Panagora Group
• QED
• Sheladia Associates Inc.
• ShoreBank International
• Sibley International
• Social Impact
• Synergy International Systems
• Tetra Tech ARD
• The Manoff Group
• The Mitchell Group
• The Sandi Group
• Training Resources Group
• University Research Co.
• Weidemann Associates

Membership groups and coalitions

• Devex
• Global Health Council
• Inside NGO
• InterAction
• International City/County Management Association
• Modernizing Foreign Assistance Network
• Society for International Development-Washington
• U.S. Global Leadership Coalition

NGOs

• Accordia Global Health Foundation
• ActionAid USA
• Adventist Development & Relief Agency International
• Africare
• American Institutes for Research
• American International Health Alliance
• American Red Cross
• AMIDEAST
• Ashoka
• Asia Foundation
• Atlas Corps
• Bread for the World
• Catholic Relief Services
• CDC Development Solutions
• Center for Development and Population Activities
• CHF International
• CNFA
• Conservation International
• Counterpart International
• Congressional Hunger Center
• East-West Management Institute
• EcoVentures International
• Education Development Center
• Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation
• FINCA International
• Freedom House
• GlobalGiving
• Humanity First USA
• InterMedia
• International Executive Service Corps
• International Foundation for Electoral Systems
• International Research & Exchanges Board
• International Relief and Development
• JHPIEGO
• Lutheran World Relief
• Making Cents International
• Merlin USA
• National Democratic Institute
• Pan American Development Foundation
• TechnoServe
• United Nations Foundation
• Vital Voices Global Partnership
• Women for Women International
• World Relief

Think tanks

• ACCION International’s Center for Financial Inclusion
• Aspen Institute
• Brookings Institution
• Carnegie Endowment for International Peace
• Cato Institute
• Center for Economic and Policy Research
• Center for Global Development
• Center for Strategic and International Studies
• CGAP
• Development Group for Alternative Policies
• Henry L. Stimson Center
• Heritage Foundation
• International Center for Research on Women
• International Food Policy Research Institute
• National Endowment for Democracy
• United States Institute of Peace
• Urban Institute
• Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars

Volunteer-sending organizations

• Encore Service Corps International
• Health Volunteers Overseas
• Peace Corps

Eliza Villarino contributed to this report.

https://www.devex.com/en/news/top-global-development-groups-in-washington-dc-a-primer

[Book] Just Business: Multinational Corporations and Human Rights

Introduction of the book on the publisher's website
http://books.wwnorton.com/books/detail.aspx?ID=24767

Press release about the book
http://www.csrwire.com/press_releases/35331-Just-Business-Multinational-Corporations-and-Human-Rights

Full text of the Guiding Principles proposed by Ruggie, adopted unanimously by the UN Human Rights Council

Report of the Special Representative of the Secretary-General on the issue of human rights and transnational
corporations and other business enterprises, John Ruggie
(This is the final report of the Special Representative. It summarizes his work from 2005 to 2011, and presents the “Guiding Principles on Business and Human Rights: Implementing the United Nations ‘Protect, Respect and Remedy’ Framework” for consideration by the Human Rights Council.)
http://www.business-humanrights.org/media/documents/ruggie/ruggie-guiding-principles-21-mar-2011.pdf

The more I learn...

When I was in high school I thought I knew a lot of things, but was curious to know more.

When I was in college, I could feel that I was learning a lot of things I didn't know before, so I must know quite a lot.

When I went to grad school, I realized that there were a lot of things I didn't know, and so much that I would have to study up on.

When I went to law school, I realized that I didn't know much.

Now that I am working, I often think: Is there anything that I do know? 내가 아는 건 도대체 뭐지??

I am a chameleon.

I am a chameleon;

Extremely adaptable,
Always invisible.

I take great pride in my ability to adapt, to think and to act flexibly, and responsively,

But this is the very reason for my greatest dilemma, possibly the 'bane of my existence';

I am rarely seen, rarely remembered.

Even I am not so sure of who I am and what I want.

I don't know why, but
For my entire life I have trained myself to accept and to react,
Not so much to initiate.

A chameleon wishes for nothing more than to catch the insects it wants, and not to be bothered;
but being human, I want to be recognized, loved, remembered

If that's what I want, then I'd better start acting like a human:

Initiate; be proactive; leave a mark; create an impression.

friday afternoon

omg soooooo sleepyyyyyyyyy
I think the guy next to me has been sleeping for most of the day..
kinda knew it would be like this
the day after the filing deadline for a big case... with lots and lots of parties
(the firm represented 28 claim

I don't want to sit here and just waste my time, so I've been trying to brief a case I've been reading since yesterday
but I can't really focus on anything

it's like I'm caught in limbo

erk. two more hours before I can go home. why won't time pass more quickly...

and my mind starts to wander.. thinking about stuff like:

Why the hell did the equitation instructor give me a U? I paid $400 for that class AND spent so much money on cabs trying to make it to lessons and all the make-up lessons. I am 150% sure that one of the instructors forgot to record one of my make-up lessons (strongly suspect the day an instructor sent her TA cantering on her horse to me to ask for my name-_- Why couldn't she have just written my name down before or after the lesson? somebody needs to take better care of these administrative matters. And why -- this is what makes me more angry -- did she not respond to my email s when I asked her to check whether all of my make-up sessions had been recorded? Sigh. I should have called her before leaving for Korea, dammit.)

So... Having second thoughts about taking equitation again next semester. I do want to have better control of the horse (and perhaps more importantly, myself) when trotting and cantering (completely lost control at my first canter, feet slipped out of stirrups and held onto the pommel for dear life, Willy would have kept running round and round if there weren't other horses standing in the other direction), and I'm pretty sure I'll never get the chance to learn/practice if not now... should I take this sem off and take it again in the spring?

Should I just sign up for the gym? (costs $90+ for one semester, if I remember correctly) Probably a good idea to sign up whether or not  I take a PE course.. (Theoretically should be going to the gym every day!)

Should I take fencing? (I've been wanting to do this for a long time.. But what if lessons are at Bartel or Teagle? friggin far away from my house and from the law school, and I don't know of any buses that go near those buildings.. I'd definitely take it if it was at Noyes! I will definitely take a look at the course schedule though. I guess I can learn if I come to Korea in the winter, there's a new 펜싱학원 that just opened near my house, how fab.)

erk my eyes are so dry.. should buy eye drops... but no money... darn...

wonder if it's worth it to buy more expensive lenses that claim to stay moist for 12 hours (and other bullshit..)?

Okay. I'm not sleepy anymore.

God please give me a job... I'll take anything that pays enough to cover rent, food, and phone bill...
Should keep looking into small firms, but so far all of the job postings I've come across seem only to be looking for ppl with experience (usually 5-7 years or 3-5 years, sometimes 1-3 years, but definitely not hiring newbies fresh out of school)... please please help me find something, anything...

trends in law practice market in Korea

felt like I should know.

Kim & Chang is no longer the 'invincible' industry #1, what with their attorneys failing to rescue chaebol heads from convictions criminal sentences, and with law firms in the #2 group competitively hiring former judges. Former judges and prosecutors who change jobs to attorneys tend to win many cases because incumbent judges feel obliged to 'respect their former superiors'.
http://news.mk.co.kr/newsRead.php?year=2013&no=181799


Here's an example: This guy (Attorney Min) used to be called the "blue chip" of the industry, until he lost a case defending 김승연 회장 of Hanhwa group (the client was convicted).
Attorney Min is a former judge, and he was on a winning streak, taking on the biggest cases of the day...

"민 변호사는 서울중앙지법 부장판사로 있다가 2009년 3월 개업했다. 2008년 7월 삼성특검이 기소한 이건희 회장의 경영권 승계 재판을 맡아 무죄를 선고한 지 얼마 뒤였다.

개업 직후 그는 대검 중수부가 기소한 강경호 전 한국철도공사 사장의 특가법 알선수재 항소심 사건을 수임했다. 1심에서 징역형이 선고된 사건이었다. 그러나 민 변호사는 개업 석 달 만인 같은 해 6월 항소심에서 무죄를 받아냈다.

이후 민 변호사는 박연차 게이트로 기소된 한나라당 김정권 의원, 마이크로소프트를 상대로 1000억원대 손배소를 제기했다가 1심에서 패소한 디디오넷의 2심 사건 등 대형 민·형사 사건을 대거 수임했다."
http://news.khan.co.kr/kh_news/khan_art_view.html?artid=201208170300095&code=940301


근데 왜 하필 로펌 이름이 "공감" 이야-_-
For me there is only one 공감!
공익인권법재단 공감 http://www.kpil.org/

http://economy.hankooki.com/lpage/society/201209/e2012091716264693800.htm
전관예우를 규제하는 여러 법안이 시행된 후 갓 개업한 고위 판검사들이 보유했던 장점이 사라지면서 재벌 총수들은 형사 사건에서 특별한 능력을 발휘했던 스타 변호사들을 선호하는 분위기다.
최태원 SK회장과 김승연 한화 회장의 법정, 두 곳에서 모두 만날 수 있는 민병훈(51·사법연수원 16기) 변호사는 재벌 총수들의 끊이지 않는 러브콜로 유명한 인물이다. 최근 김승연 회장이 법정 구속되기 전까지는 '불패신화'로 불릴 정도로 굵직한 법정공방에서 승리를 거둬 왔다. 막힘 없는 변론, 정교한 논리로 정평이 나있는 민 변호사는 2009년 법관직에서 물러났으며 김앤장 법률사무소를 거쳐 현재는 자신의 이름을 딴 민병훈법률사무소를 운영하고 있다. 형사사건뿐 아니라 현대건설을 두고 현대그룹과 채권단 사이에 벌어진 소송도 맡아왔다. 

김앤장 법률사무소의 최찬묵(51ㆍ15기) 변호사도 기업 오너 관련 재판을 많이 수임하는 변호사 중 하나다. 서울지방검찰청 공안부 부부장검사와 법무부 검찰국 과장, 이후 서울지방검찰청 총무부장 등을 역임한 최 변호사는 2004년 변호사 생활을 시작했으며 이듬해 비자금 조성혐의로 재판을 받았던 당시 두산그룹 박용성 회장을 위해 법정에 섰다. 최 변호사는 현재 피고인 신문을 앞두고 있는 'SK 비자금 의혹' 변호인단에도 이름을 올렸다.

최 변호사와 함께 박용성 전 회장을 대변했던 오세헌(53ㆍ14기) 변호사는 김승연 회장이 지난 2007년 '보복폭행' 논란에 휩싸여 재판에 넘겨졌을 때 변호를 담당했다. 오 변호사는 20년간의 공직생활을 서울중앙지검 공안1부장으로 마무리하며 지난 2004년 김앤장으로 이직했다. 

기업 오너들의 방패로 이름을 날리던 법률가가 전문경영인이 된 경우도 있다. 검찰 출신인 조준형(52ㆍ19기) 삼성전자 부사장은 지난 2008년 삼성그룹 비자금 조성의혹에 대한 특검수사가 진행될 때 김앤장 법률사무소의 동료 변호사들과 함께 삼성그룹을 방어했다. 경영권 불법승계, 조세포탈 혐의로 기소된 이건희 회장을 대리해 변호에 나서기도 했다. 조 부사장은 '대북송금 의혹'사건 수사 당시 고 정몽헌 전 현대아산 이사회 회장의 변호인으로 활약했으며 김우중 전 대우그룹 회장과 김승연 회장 등 대기업 전현직 오너들의 재판에도 관여했다. 기업 오너들과 긴밀한 인연을 맺고 있던 조 부사장은 김앤장을 나온 2009년 특허와 실용신안, 저작권 등 각종 지적재산권 분야에 강점을 지닌 리인터내셔널 특허법률사무소로 자리를 옮겼으며 지난해 5월에는 최지성 삼성전자 부회장의 법률 보좌역으로 뽑혀 삼성의 일원이 됐다.

and so on......

Ramadan Reflections by Khalid Latif

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/imam-khalid-latif/ramadan-reflection-day-7_b_3600319.html


a delicateness that at times is lost upon us. This delicateness is such that the possessor of it is willing and welcoming of guidance and advice as opposed to becoming argumentative and taking things as overt and unnecessary criticism.

...

Especially as we get older, our tolerance for taking advice from those around us wanes substantially. It is definitely hard to fit into religious communities, and there are those who should never be giving advice or counsel as they seem to bear no wisdom and focused more in merely conveying than thinking out how to actually convey. I'm sure all of us can recount numerous instances when we were left in awe as to the way someone talked to us or treated us under the guise of religious authority. But our respective growth cannot be stifled because of a bitterness that turns into an unwillingness to take from the perspective of others.

...

When the advice comes, even if poorly given, try to focus more on what is being said rather than how it is being said or who is saying it. At the end of the assessment you'll either fine that their point of view is valid or you'll be more reinforced in your point of view because it is valid -- in both there is benefit. But if we rely solely on ourselves to determine where we can improve, the growth will hardly come and our movement to obtaining our full potential will be that much harder of a process.

done with translations (for now...)

Now that I'm finally done with translations (or, as far as I can see/ foresee),

I can't really do anything except 딴짓.

I've been trying to read the cases my supervisor recommended, but just can't seem to focus.

The end is almost always anticlimactic, like this. About time I realized.

I really really want to go watch a movie (like, right NOW) but there are no good movies out lately. (Nor anyone who I'd want to go watch it with... har. I mean, would it matter so much what movie we watch, as long as I like being with that person, than just being together would be the point, not so much the movie.)

The office is pretty quiet now. Not a hectic kind of quiet, but a tired and lazy kind of quiet. So I guess that means all or most of the attorneys are done with the project that they (we, including myself who did most of the damned translations...)

And 바로! at this moment! someone's phone rings, he happens to be not in his seat, so the phone goes off ringing for about a minute, and the ringtone is "Nella Fantasia".... haha suits the atmosphere of the moment perfectly.

Aww. Then the moment is gone.

Anyways I'm glad I've kept this blog. I don't really visit it to read my older posts (which I tend to do with my Cyworld diaries..), but only to rant or keep a record of my fleeting thoughts and emotions. But it's a great hideout because it kind of looks like I'm writing an email when I'm actually writing up worthless shit (like this) to pass the time when other online hideouts/places of procrastination  like FB and Cyworld are not available (or rather, too 눈치보여 to go into those sites).

I just want to have... a 'real' vacation... watching all the tv dramas and movies I want, eating whatever I want whenever I want to, staying in when I want, going anywhere I want when I want to, sleeping when I want, working out if and when I feel like it, etc.

Can't believe I was sick the day we went to the beach. I was so sick I had to stay in the car while my family went out to get coffee and play in the sand. I was too sick to stay awake and realize that it really sucked. What a major bummer. It was my only chance to see the ocean this summer (maybe even this year)...

I have a few things I want to buy (I still don't have a black bag), and I need to pay the bills for the subway rides and bus rides, and my daily cuppa, and lunch, and money I spend when meeting friends (which is not that often)... But as of now I have about 10,000 won in all of my bank accounts. Oh damn. It sucks not to be able to make money........ Bah. I would have loved to work at Milky Way :p Or maybe I should have taken up a tutoring job or translation job (which would have driven me crazy, but at least I would be able to pay my own bills). Anyhow the situation really, really sucks.

Should I call that guy? I think he would be up for a movie... But what if he's not? He might be too busy enjoying his life (the only plan he explicitly said he had until he goes into military service)...

Maybe I should call Dr. L when I go to NYC. Call me when you feel like it's too much, she said. Call me if you get too lonely. ........ But of course she would charge me $200/45min if I do call and make an appointment.

I dunno. Sometimes spending time alone feels like it's the greatest thing in the world. But pretty soon I feel like, I wish I had someone to share this precious time with,... But when I actually spend time with someone else, I find myself never quite as happy as I feel when I'm by myself...

No more free translation!!!!!!!

다시는 공짜 번역 안해줄거야!!!!!
내가 진짜.. 일주일 내내 번역만 주구장창 하고 있는데
무급인턴이 법정근무시간 앞뒤로 거의 두시간씩 추가로 일을 해 가면서
똑같은 서류를 수십장씩 (어쩌면 백장 넘었을지도) 해야되는건가 정말?
내가 이짓을 돈을 받고  했으면벌써 두달치 생활비는 나오고도 남았을텐데...

볍신

내일모레부터 또다시 '슈퍼 을' 생활 시작. 무급인턴. 나는 스물여덟살.

통장 잔고 총액 3만여 원. 나는 스물여덟살.

"Take initiative!" She says. 하하. The one thing I have not learned to do. 그저 웃지요.

거저 먹으면서 살고 싶다.

힘들어 해서도, 외로워 해서도 안되고

힘들다, 슬프다, 외롭다 따위의 말을 입 밖으로 내서도 안되고

어떤 경우에라도 힘들거나 외롭거나 슬픈 티를 내서는 안된다.

언제부터 어디서 배워먹은 법칙인지는 모르겠지만

(내가 모르겠다고 하면 my shrink always told me it was "clear, pretty obvious, from where I'm sitting.")

언젠가부터 항상 이렇게 살아 왔고

부정적인 감정을 억누르고 내게 그런 감정이 있을 수 있다는 것 조차 deny하다 보니

긍정적인 감정도 별로 느낄 수 없게 되었나보다.

Thus the ho-hum, low energy me.

20대 중반의 축구선수가 "매일 은퇴 할 생각을 해요"라고 tv에서 한마디 하는 것을 보고 마음이 찢어지는 것 같았다고,

내 눈을 보면서 어떻게 얘기할 수가 있지.

자기 자식은 패배감과 낮은 자존감에 쩔어서 짜부러지고 찌그러 질 수록 병신같아 보이고,

그래서 화가 나고, 그러는 건 비싼 학비 내 주는 부모에게 할 도리가 아니고,

tv에 나오는 남의 자식새끼는 힘들다 소리 한마디만 해도 마음이 아프다???

나는 당신때문에 주눅들어서 당신 앞에서 그따위 소리 꺼낼 상상조차 하지 못하는데

당신이랑 아무런 상관도 없는 그새끼가 힘들어 하는 건 마음이 아프다고???

왜 나의 suboptimal performance가 나의 실패경험과 그로 인한 패배감에서 비롯된다는 건 이해 못하고 (아니, 그따위 약해빠진 개소리는 들어주고 싶은 생각도 없고)

나는 '힘들다'는 분위기가 나는 말 한마디만 해도 

왜 그렇게 게으르냐, 그나이를 쳐먹고서 왜 그렇게 애 같은 소리를 하냐,

정신 좀 차려라,

하며 다그치는 건지.

아침에 눈 뜨는 순간 부터 자려고 불 끄는 순간까지 이거 해라 저거 해라 왜 이건 안하냐 왜 그건 할 생각조차 못하는거냐 이 병신아........................

제발 나도 숨좀 쉬자.

제발 나도 하루에 몇 분 만이라도 숨 좀 돌리면서 당신의 명령으로부터 자유로운 시간을 좀 보내면 안되는건가...

시집가는 걸 일종의 '도피'로 생각하는 친구의 마음이 너무나 이해가 간다.

얼마나 평생을 들들 볶이며 살았을지 알 것 같고

용케도 돌파구를 찾은 그가 부럽다.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

집에 오는 버스 속에서 한 생각.

'건축학개론' 의 주인공들을 떠올리며..

놓쳐버린 사랑을, what COULD have been을 아쉬워 하는 것은

나만 그런 게 아니지?

그게 그렇게 병신같고 나만 하는 짓은 아닌거지?

상당히 보편적인 생각인거지?

집에 와서 페북에 들어가 보니

신입사원인 그가 일하는 모습과 새로 찍은 프로필 사진을 올렸다.

두근거린다.

잠시 후, 울고 싶다.

건축학개론에서 한가인도 그런 

지나가 버린, 어쩌면 될 수도 있었지만 하여튼 되지 못한

그런 사랑이 아쉬워서

수많은 세월이 지났을 때 엄태웅을 찾아간 거겠지?

그리고 엄태웅도 똑같이 그게 아쉬워서 집을 지어 준 거겠지?

그렇게 서로 mutually 아쉬워 한다면, 

둘이 꼭 이어지지 않아도 어떤 closure를 함께 만들어갈 수 있을텐데.

그는,...........................

하나도 아쉬워 하지 않는 것 같다.

우리 사이에는 오해가 있었던 것도 아니고, 

그래서 그 오랜 시간 동안 우리는 연락도 잘 하고 지냈고

기회가 닿을 때 마다 종종 만나서 밥도 먹었고

지금도 별 거리낌 없이 잘 지낸다.

참 아무렇지도 않게.

나 혼자서 어떻게든 closure를 찾아야 한다.

어쩌면 나는 

그가 나를 좋아한다는 것을 알게 되었을 때 부터 

그를 사랑했고

그의 고백을 거절했을 때 부터

그와 연애를 하고 있었는지도 모르겠다.

모든 것은 내 머릿속에서 일어났고, 말하자면 나는 '대상이 없는 연애'를 하고 있었던 거다.

그 긴긴 세월 동안.

한 손으로 손뼉을 치는 것 처럼...

내 머릿속에 있는 그를 사랑했고 내 머릿속에 있는 그와 연애를 하고 있었다.

어쩌면

그래서 쉬이 다른 누군가를 좋아할 수도 없었는지도 모른다.

나 혼자 했던 연애,

나 혼자 끝내야 한다.

내 머릿속의 그에게 이별을 고하고

내 머릿속의 그를, 보내야 한다.

나도, 내 머릿속의 그로부터, 떠나야 한다.

도대체 어떻게.

이렇게 다시 가슴이 뛰는데...