names i cannot call

아스라히 먼 이름들이여
소리내어 부를 수 조차 없는.

어디에서 무얼 하고 있든지, 누구와 있든지,

메리 크리스마스.

여기에나마 소심하게 적어 본다.

JHS, CSH, KSH, 5W (KYM), YZC, KM/YT, BSH.

CSH - Do you know how much affection springs from my heart every time I see your name on Facebook? I like to think that, by giving you a name, I have marked you as mine forever. Similar to naming a child, but different. More like, siging a painting or stamping my name on a new book. 너한테는 무슨 얘기라도 해도 될 것 같은데, 이상하게도 막상 말 꺼내려고 하면 못하겠단 말이지.. 더이상 어떻게 얘기해야 할 지도 모르겠고 이거참.

5W - I've never seen your baby but how I wish I could see him grow. And how I wish to hear you are back together with CSMS. How I wish I knew her face. It might be easier to 정리해 my mind if I knew how beautiful and gracious and mature she is. 아직은 잘 모르겠지만, 유학갈 학교 정해 지면 연락 드려야지. 그리고 맨날 서로 말만 하던 점심 얻어먹어야겠다.ㅎㅎ 첫인상은 장기하였는데 알면 알수록 순정만화에 나오는 '착한 남자' 같이 생긴 그분.ㅋㅋ

KSH - You big mysterious coward you. How dare you ignore my messages and phone calls? I thought we were friends at the very least. I thought you were a bigger person than that. Disappointments aside, I sort of miss you. I miss.. being excited to see someone in the morning, every morning. I know it would have been a challenge if we tried to do so much as to get to know each other more, but I feel like you unilaterally threw the slightest hint of that happening out the window. Hmph. 나 미국가기 전에 만나서 반드시 옛날얘기 좀 해야겠다 너랑은.

KM/YT - oo님. You will always be an important memory and you will always be a standard that I hold any man to. And a very high standard you are indeed. Why do I keep running into people who keep raising my standards about men?

YZC - 야이눔시키야 do you have any idea how my heart breaks to pieces when I think I won't be able to see you again for four years AT THE LEAST? "I have a feeling that if we stay in this game we'll meet again" is NOT the answer I was anticipating! 얼른 청첩장 보내렴, and I'll be one of the few people who remember how it all started.

BanSH - I will confess that I have become a masterful (?) online stalker because of you! But anyway I'm happy for you, and a bit concerned for you, taking on all those responsibilities right out of college. But at least you work close to home. 그리고 너랑은 그렇게 아무것도 안되고 끝나버려서 얼마나 다행인지 몰라ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ omg I never even imagined that our political stances would differ so much. Thank goodness I gave up on you early on.

JuhnHS - You rich, cool kid. You just keep on being cool. I will forever be a spectator of your spectacular life.

and of course I must mention:

YangDS - Same story. The hip-hoppin' math whiz. How is Oxford treatin' you?

YDJ! - The textbook DFLHS-Ivy League story. Thank you for taking me seriously when not many people did. Thank you for being courteous and kind to the inconfident and sometimes downright nasty fourteen-year-old that I was. Thank you for making me learn what it means to 'aim high'. If you were handsome, I'd think God is a little too unfair.. but God IS fair to us all after all. LoL!


Oh man 내사람 하나 찾기가 왜 이렇게 힘든거냐...