aaaaak

okay,

she was really the LAST person I would expect to hear such a story from.
I'm not sure whether I would be more disappointed in her if it was only a fling.
I know I'm glad for her, seeing what a great guy he is and how happy they are,
but really,
I never thought she would be the one to tell me such a story.
Maybe it's not all that shocking - she grew up in Europe after all.

I envy her, not only for getting such a perfect boyfriend but because she had a chance to go abroad and be 'someone else', to do things you wouldn't allow yourself to do here.
I regeret not having given myself such a chance. I thought I couldn't, because I didn't have enough money even to afford plane tickets. But if there was a will there would have been a way.

Then again I think,
EVEN IF I was given that chance,
would I have had the guts to try new things?
I think not.
I think I would have been pretty much the same person anywhere.
I might have started drinking and smoking (and maybe mj if I went to the Netherlands), but that would have been as far as I would let myself.
And I would probably pretend like nothing happened, and return to being the person I was as soon as I came back here.

I've had too much of these stories lately.
After hearing those stories, I'm definitely going through a change in perspective.

How would you know if the person you married isn't a total pervert or has some kind of intolerably weird fetish if you haven't slept with that person before?
How would you know what it's like to live with a person if you haven't tried it?
How would you have a satisfactory love life if you don't discuss your likes and dislikes with your partner?

I'm not making any conclusions yet.

Anyway, the conclusion is that I still yearn for that time and space where I can live without the obligation of having to be consistent, of having to be the person that I have always been.
I know this is only my ego lying to my id, that THERE IS NO SUCH THING as an obligation to be consistent, that I can be whatever and whoever I want to be, right now and right here,
but I can't muster up the courage/energy/money/effort it would take to act differently.
Maybe it's because I'm so damn worried about keeping the reputation that I have built up until now.
-----------------------------------------------------------

I promised my parents that I will go to church today.
I just hope I don't meet anyone that I used to know.
Even if I do run into someone, I hope they won't recognize me and just walk away.
I didn't want to go to church until just a few hours ago,
but now I feel like I should go, at least to pray for you and your mother.
I will pray for your health. And your mother's.
I would be mortified if you have cancer like your mother.
Please do take care of yourself.